Feeling Alone And Thinking Too Much

I was ok earlier, I felt fine. Today has been pretty uneventful, I have seen no one it's just been me and the cat. I got up at 12.30pm to take the shopping in that Sainsbury's divered. I took my old nail varnish off and then felt extremely tired. What made me tired was bringing in the shopping, I know that doesn't sound like a lot but to me it is, my heart rate went up and I started to sweat. So I sat down until I could get my barings back and then moved the bags from the hall in to the kitchen, there they remain still. I will unpack the stuff as I need it, I did put the cold stuff away that needed to go in the fridge but the rest is still in the bags, I was/am too wiped out to unpack them all. So after watching the afternoon news I went back to bed until 5.30pm when I got up to watch Neighbours. After Eastenders there was basicly nothing on, so I just put QVC on (my favourite channel) I treated myself to a Leighton Denny nail care kit, it was at a fair price so I thought why not? I love Leighton Denny's range he was on QVC today, it's him who is inspiring me to want to do a manicure course. Then I could have a little business from home like my hairdresser does. I really love glamour and make-up. I got my first eyeliner when I was ten. It wasn't that I wanted to attract anyone, it was that I wanted to feel grown up and also was fasinated by the make-up, for me it's like art. My face is the canvas. I love treating my hands and painting my nails too, I made my hands really soft last Saturday when I used some of this treatment designed by Leighton Denny. No LOL I am not on his pay role I just love his products.

But anyhow, right now I feel very alone. Earlier I was fine, but now I have started thinking. I'm thinking about how in love I am with someone I can't have. It's a hopeless situation, I am fine one minute and the next it hits me. I adore her, her accent, her tattoos, her beautiful brown eyes, her cute little nose with a little stud in it, her mouth and lips they are so sweet, she has this cute little line that has developed over the past few monthes. She is a smoker and it's causing her to get mouth lines but I love them. I love the stale smoke small of her. And as for her personality well she would blow anyone away, she is a fiesty, opinionated, and bitchey but she has a wonderful heart and is warm, she like animals too. She has a teenage son. She has had her problems but is now on track. She is so imperfectly perfect if you get what I mean. This not a La Vie En Rose kind of love and that is what makes it harder I think. But anyway my love is in vain. So I am trying to take my mind off her and meet people online, maybe even someone I could date. But it's hard to get anybody interested. I think the trouble is I like older people. It's actually funny because gay people are always campaining for freedom of love, yet it is still tabboo in their eye that a woman in her 20's can love a woman in her 40's. It's very hypocritical.

So I guess I may as well have been alive in the 1940's or 50's. Of course I wouldn't have be able to have a relationship but I don't think it's going to happen for me in this era anyway. But at least I might have enjoyed some kind of life. I would love to have been in London during the war, sounds weird, huh? Working in a factory, hearing the air rade sirens and running down into the shelters or the underground station. My mums mother was a Ren and my mums father (my nice grandad) who died when I was 3, he fought in World War II, he suffered from terrible shell shock and use to shout in his sleep and all. He was a great man, I don't remember him much even though we lived with him but I do remember sitting on his lap whilst he drunk tea. His house in which we were living too, was like something you would have got in the 40's, he built it himself and his brother built a bunglow next door. There was no heating in the house, so in winter it was freezing in all the rooms except the kitchen and the living room where there was a log fire. There were apple, pear and plum trees at the bottom of our garden. We also had a pond although it wasn't particularly a nice one it needed cleaning badly. Across the road from the house are field with horses, my mum become friendly with some of the owners so I got to ride the horses. There are two I remember particularly. Melody who was a beautiful brown colour and Alfie a Shetland Pony. Alfie bit me once, I remember that well but I loved them. Then in 1990 my grandad died and my mum had to try and fight her sisters. They wanted to sell the house right away but that ment we'd have to move and we didn't have any money except my mums share of the money that would be made from the sale of the house. They are not nice people my aunts four/five years ago I tried to get involved with them but soon found out what type of people they are. Anyway one of them lives in Australia so we don't know how involved she was, but I believe she was involved more then we know. My aunt Susan used to come and regularly rade our house, she go through draws, pick things up and burn them. She was a vile woman and out of my mums three sisters she is the most normal one, scary huh? My aunt Lucy was a cold hearted bitch, she wrote nasty letters to my mum. These are not undereducated people from a poor back ground these women had grown up in that lovely house my grandfather had built. They never wanted for anything. But they took my mum to court and they won the case. My mum was told to get rid of all our cats, my brother was heart broken. But one of the cats that had gone missing came back after my mum rehomed the others. So we were moved to this really awful council estate. It was a fowl place and the house it's self was just down right horrible. This estate was so awful that murders were taking place there. We were all terribly unhappy. One day my mum said she couldn't stand looking after the cats tray and insisted the cat went out. We had only been there a week or so. My brother, my mum and I took the cat to the back garden. My brother put him down and he bolted, never to be seen again. My mum regrets that to this day.

Anyway I will stop now, I don't want to write my life story in one post. I will write some more tomorrow. I actually didn't come on here with the intention of writting all that stuff lol. I just want to write how lonely I feel now but my mind deviated, as ever hehe.

Bye For Now


The Vixen xxxx